In This Episode of {THE AND}
Maya (she/her) and Alyssa (she/her) have been together for 4 years, and they just got engaged! The immense trust and support that exist between them have helped cultivate an incredibly beautiful and loving relationship. Through their mutual love, Alyssa has become a better version of herself, one she is very proud of, while Maya has learned to navigate her anxiety much more effectively. Understanding, compassion, deep listening, and self-reflection play significant roles in their dynamic as a couple, and they plan to continue their growth while holding hands.
Transcript:
If I lost all my memory,
what would be the first thing you’d tell me
about us?
I would tell you
that we're best friends.
And
we met very young,
which is kind of scary.
But that we've been
creating a very,
very good life for each other.
We're going to cry.
I'm ready. It's over.
I didn't think we would, but.
What was your first impression of me,
and how has that changed
over time?
My first impression of you
as a 19 year old.
Brutal, like, how old was I when we met?
I was 20.
You were 21.
You just turned 21.
I had just turned 21.
And I was still 20.
I was a complete jerk.
Um.
I remember
you were very,
like, interested in
me and kind to me.
The person that
was around at that time
was like,
Oh, they're being, like, clingy
or they're being creepy, or they're like,
Oh, that's so weird that, like.
And they were feeding into this, like,
narrative that you were, like, too much.
Even though you were just being nice.
Um, and so I
like, labeled you as
like, like a creepy,
obsessed crush.
And then I was like, Oh, when we talked,
I was like,
Oh, that's not what's happening at all.
I just didn't pick
very good friends.
And now I think of you
as a very loving,
wonderful, creepy crush.
Very soft, gentle,
sweet,
loving.
And then I let go of
the people that were making me not very nice.
And I realized that
I am very nice and that
I liked you a lot.
And now we're
moving and grooving
through life.
That's true.
Being in love.
What is one experience
you wish you never had and why?
Oh, I know my answer to this one.
I would say like the first month
of our relationship.
But
I wish I just, like,
never met you.
No!
That’s not what I’m saying.
The first month
actually pre relationship.
First month we met.
- Yes. - That we knew each other.
I'm like,
It wasn’t a great time.
It was not a great time.
I'm still so sorry.
But also I feel like that was
we got a lot in the way almost.
We did, like, every
every conflict or issue for like
the first
ten years came out in the first month.
And so we've just been cruising
ever since.
Well, I wouldn't have said that.
- I - But
but I do feel
like we got a lot.
We learned a lot
about each other very quickly.
Very quickly.
And you also kind of changed
- really quickly, but like - Very quickly.
And not that I was like,
I'm going to change her, but you were,
you changed.
- I did. - Pretty quick
because you realized that the,
I think, the life that you were
some parts of the life
that you were living
weren't working for you.
And they were getting in the way of
like a potentially good relationship.
So I don't know if I like wish
it never happened though.
It still was a part of our foundation.
And though it wasn't a
great peace, it still built us.
Yeah.
And
yeah.
When have you seen me
the most vulnerable
and what did it teach you
about loving me?
- Damn. - Damn.
- That's a good question. - Most vulnerable.
What a question.
I think.
I think I've seen
you most vulnerable
when you’re
really anxious.
And
you're
so overwhelmed
and worried about something that
that either
I don't think kind of calls
for that reaction
or it's something beyond our control.
I think it taught me that
you just kind of
have to like,
walk yourself through it.
That I can be there,
but I can't really help you.
And if I try to help you too much,
I make it worse.
Um, so, like,
if you're really anxious or sad
and I'm trying to be like,
Everything's okay,
and I'll start, like, being bubbly,
you're like, Shut up.
And I'm like, Oh, okay.
Yeah, I get really mad.
You get super
mad at me, but I'm trying to like,
that's how I know how to
how to fix things, is to be very like,
fun and exciting and change the mood.
And that doesn't work for you.
Like, I have to,
I have to meet you on your level
and then help you get up instead of
being at the level and hoping you
come up to me.
And that took
me a while to figure out.
You're very in your head
and you have to work through your stuff.
And I can be a support,
but I can't be the narrator.
Right.
Dang.
- I know. - That's pretty good.
Clip it.
Do you want to be the therapist?
I want to be the therapist.
Um.
Oh, what is the pain in me
you wish you could heal
and why?
I think the thing that always gets me
the most is how much you were bullied
like growing up.
- Mhm. - Like that.
Like, really hurts for,
I mean, it hurts me obviously,
but I'm like
that obviously stayed with you
even if you try to avoid it.
It made you like
not as confident
in yourself and it made you
like second guess how
you look all the time.
Keep going on.
I'm chilling.
Okay.
So, yeah, I just wish, I don't know,
part of me was like,
I wish I would have been there
because I'm like, you
you got a little bit
more confident when we started dating, I think.
Mhm.
For sure.
I don't know
if we would have been friends in middle
school though.
- I know you think we would have, but. - Probably not.
I was scary.
I wore all black
and had like the scene bangs.
Listened to that Death
Metal one Volume 10.
I don't know.
I'd like to think we would have been.
I like to think
we would have been in love, but
maybe not.
I don't think so.
You would have been like,
Oh, that's a demon.
But yeah,
I really wish I could have, uh,
I could fix all that.
Yeah.
All well.
What do you think
I need to hear most from you
and why?
That it's fine.
Oh, well, that was quick.
Yeah. Our way here
being anxious about, like,
being a couple minutes late,
and I thought you were going to throw up.
Yeah, it's,
I
I think everything is going to be fine.
And not, like, in a toxic, optimistic way.
Like,
there's some things we can't control.
We couldn't control running late today.
Unless we, like,
somehow had a premonition and left
way earlier.
But we left with extra time
and stuff happened
and we still ended up late.
But I mean, we're here and it's fine,
Yeah.
I just feel like you were,
you're so conscientious of everything
and everyone all the time.
And how they're feeling
and how you play a role
in that and how
for certain people it's like
your job to make sure that
you're making them happy.
And I think that makes everything
so stressful and so anxious for you.
I feel like you think
everything's going to fall apart.
Yeah.
And it hasn't.
Like there's
worse things than, like,
almost being late
that's happened to us
and we're still fine.
Yeah.
So,
yeah, that is
going to be fine.
If this was our last conversation,
what would you never want me to forget?
Oh, where'd you go?
Why is our last?
What happened?
Where's my missing
person folder?
Oh, yeah.
What would I never want you to forget?
Um, I think
I don’t know
all the good things
that this relationship taught you.
You know, if for some reason
we're not together anymore,
for some reason.
I just leave, I guess.
- Yeah. - Or I just died?
- Die? - I don't know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just like all the good
things that you learnt.
Even if, like,
the relationship doesn't continue.
Like you learnt.
Whatever.
Yeah.
And you're
a better person.
Yeah, definitely don't
regress into the person
that I first met you as.
- 21 years old Alyssa. - Not that you were the worst, but.
I think I was.
Weren’t the nicest.
Rest in peace.
Just keep being nice to people.
Yeah, keep being nice.
Yeah.
Why do you love me?
Oh.
Yeah, they're coming.
She's
she's exiting.
One has landed.
I
It's okay.
Uff.
It's okay.
Brutal.
Me too.
I don't know how to
express
how much
I love you or why I love you.
I think
I love you because
you've given me
so many new experiences and
you've really helped me
be
my best self.
Because I wasn’t for a long time.
And
I love you because
I get to make you gluten
free bread,
and I get to
just exist with you.
You make loving you very easy.
And very fun.
So embarrassing.
You're so cute.
Shut up, man.
I love you.
I love you too.
Thank you for coming on tonight.
It was so wonderful to have you.
Oh.
I love you too.
Brutal hand.
Whatever.
Do you want to have more
intimate conversations
with your partner,
but they're reluctant to join you?
Do you sense that
there's a more fulfilling connection
that you can build
but you don't quite know how to do it?
I'm proud to share with you
12 Questions for Love.
It's a toolkit.
It's a roadmap so that you can deepen
the relationships in your life.
In this book, you'll learn
how to create the physical
and emotional space
so that you can have a transformative
conversation.
12 Questions for Love.
A Guide to Intimate
Conversations and Deeper Relationships.
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