Should It Be This Hard? | {THE AND} Rocky & Ben

Should It Be This Hard? | {THE AND} Rocky & Ben

In This Video

Rocky (she/they) and Ben (he/him) are former partners. Their current relationship is founded on candid communication and companionship. Both are highly introspective individuals, enabling them to address their personal issues and potentially rebuild a romantic connection. While there is a profound love between them, they are in the process of determining whether they are meant to be together or not. Both are actively navigating their emotions, and their current approach involves allowing time to heal any wounds and guide them toward the right path.


What is the biggest challenge
in our relationship right now
and what do you think it is teaching us?
We are in a very weird spot.
We’ve broken up,
but we still act
like we're together.
And I feel like
I have one foot
in and one foot out.
I'm not fully committed,
but I enjoy the perks of having a partner
and the love,
the affection that
someone to just share
life with.
Yet there is a part of me
that is still seeking
something outside of you.
I daydream
about other scenarios and
it's been very,
I think, taxing and adding stress
to our dynamic
because of that.
And I feel also
at least I don't put words in your mouth,
but it's feel like your
it feels like you are very committed
that like no matter
what like I'm in.
And I feel a pressure that
and I'm still working on
as that because of like my trauma
that I don't feel lovable
because of things I've done
in our relationship
or if it's me like
the grass is greener or like,
let me keep this here just in case
nothing else works out.
And I don't know, I feel like
that is sort of detrimental and
a lot more chaos
for the both of us.
Yeah, it's tough.
And I feel like
the best way to find out
is give it a little time.
And if you move on before
that, time's up and that's
you know, I'm not going to
there's nothing I can do.
And what— nothing
I would want to do to change that.
I feel
we have grown
more than ever before this past year,
and I'm hoping
that it works in my favor.
But at the same time, like
I understand that it's like
it has to feel right
for both of us.
And I'm not here
to give you a life
that doesn't feel like yours.
So I'm hoping, you know,
it shakes out in a way that
that's best for both of us.
I appreciate
you are being so honest
about this.
Because it's, yeah,
it's a big decision.
What are you hesitant to ask me
and why?
I think there's only one question
I'm hesitant to ask you and why.
And that's
because I know the answer
is going to be not right now
or we'll see what happens.
You know what that question is?
I want to hear it from you.
It's proposing.
There is
definitely some time
that has to transpire
in order to truly know,
because at this point, I'm
not someone you can trust
I am—
I have been very feast or famine.
And there's been a lot of steps
I have been taken to change that.
But I can't
my words,
you know, you can't run on
just words, you can't date for
What do you say?
Dating for potential, like.
Oh, dating someone's potencial.
- Oh, but we might be that sometime. - Yeah.
You know? So, like
I feel the right thing to do
is to ask that question
when it's actually the right time.
And that's the only question
that I can't
really ask you today.
really ask you today.
What possibilities or opportunities
are we denying
by maintaining our relationship
and how do you feel about that?
Oh, I feel like
this is something
that I feel like
I'm plagued by.
This idea of us
being together
is actually holding us back.
Like when the year apart started
and I moved away,
all of a sudden you got a ton of work.
And you
I mean, you were making money
and I was not in the picture.
And I felt more at ease.
I felt like a
just more present with myself
and less anxious.
You know how I have anxiety.
So it became, I feel in my mind
was freed up a little bit to not at least
be anxious about you and me.
And I didn't
have to be anxious about like,
is he doing his work or not? Or
how does the apartment look?
All of those things.
And I feel like by being together,
not just like how I'm impacting you, but
myself as well, it's like I'm
like I said, I'm like
waiting and waiting
for this magical moment
that it's going to be like, Oh, duh.
All along it was him.
How could I've not seen that?
But at the same time, I think
should it be this hard?
How long is too long to wait?
And there are other people.
I'm certain
there is someone where
I won't feel so
I mean, not
to abuse this term, but triggered by.
I mean, like this morning running late.
I felt so
helping you get out the door.
I was like,
I don't want to have to do that with a partner.
I look forward to that.
You know? So
I think me
being so overbearing at times
with, Let’s get out of the door.
Like, vice versa,
the roles reversed that
that kind of pressure on you
is also very unhealthy.
So I'm sure there's
someone else out there
that won't be like that for you.
Why do you think you are
the partner for me?
How much time do we get? No.
I think I'm the partner for you
because I gave you,
I think what you needed
more than anything,
which is unconditional love,
and sometimes, to my detriment.
But I—
You've said many times
how if there's one thing
I have more, you know, plenty of
it's my love for you.
Because I feel like
I do get you.
And the places
where I'm not the right person for you,
Are just
works in progress.
I feel like it's just kind of
tweaking a few things here and there to
have the space and have
have the independent growth
that we need
to be able to meet each other
where we'll be versus where we're at now.
Because right now it's kind of chaotic.
And it's not all
just because of our own dynamic,
but things in our life
that we're not putting enough attention
and love into.
So like everything you just
answered earlier about
why you're going to be in Atlanta
is right on the money.
And a lot of those things are things
I need to do for myself too,
is have the space.
yeah, I
think we're like
really close
to being in that space.
But only time will tell.
When was the last time
you considered ending this relationship
and why haven't you?
This, I’m not lying.
This morning I was
All right.
really upset
that you weren't prepared.
I mean.
It was fine.
But I think I go.
It just like flares up.
This part of me,
when you're not responsible.
I start going in that loop of like,
how could you be a dad?
Like, you could be a great dad.
You're loving, but
is it all going to fall on me?
Am I going to have to be like,
you're another child in this situation?
So, when moments like that— and it's unfair
because it's just one moment
and everything was fine,
you were actually okay. But
it was just stressful.
And I go into that loop of he's
he won't be able to do this, that
and the other.
And provide, like.
And I don't break up with you
because then I give myself
a moment to cool down.
And then also you're very good
with your words.
Like you say things and I, like you
just said, you know, works in progress.
You're doing this.
You're doing all these steps to be
where you think I want you to be.
And I just so badly want it to be true
so that I don't have to keep
I don't want to go out there and date.
Like I don't want to have to start over.
But I will.
But I think there's a part of me
that's just like holding on.
That maybe it is him.
And if I just wait a little longer,
wait a little longer.
And that is why we are here.
Like you said, the
first time we broke,
you know,
we separated for several months.
We weren't in each other,
each other's environment
and we thrived.
And I don't think that's just
because we weren't
meant to be around each other.
It's because we had space
without being kind of like
bumping into each other and having that
dynamic of,
you know,
the things that bother me
about you and vice versa.
And now we're at this place where we are
definitely further
along on our emotionally
emotional intelligence journey,
our personal growth journey.
And having that space is
like feels to me
like the last missing piece.
Like I want to have more of a routine.
I don't have a routine now.
It's chaos.
And moving you out of your apartment
into my apartment for a couple of days
and then move,
then going to Georgia.
It’s crazy.
So like, it's
a wild time and here we are
on {THE AND} doing this,
and then you're leaving tomorrow.
So it's, uhm
I just, I'm
really excited about finishing,
you know,
finishing this like, pre
marriage thing, hopefully.
But we'll see.
I have more to say,
but I'm just going to
move on to the next question
because some of the things you're saying,
it still feels like
you're trying to convince me.
And I just
I have to
- I think I have to back out of that. - Yeah.
To be continued on that.
What is a sacrifice
you've made that
I haven't acknowledged?
And why do you think that is?
Sacrifice I've made?
Honestly, I guess the biggest one
would be continuing to be with you
when you've told me many times
you don't want to be with me.
And trying
to convince you
this is right.
All right.
What do you feel
is the next step in our relationship?
The next step
in our relationship is,
to truly take this serious
and commit to not checking in.
Like, doing this part independently.
When I go to Atlanta,
I don't want to update you
on my personal life.
I know we're going to have
some overlapping work.
But really adhere to the boundary
of no sharing personal stuff.
That even means for you,
I wish you well in your career
and all the things
that you have goals for,
and I just want to believe
that you're going to do it.
And I don't need to hear
every step of the way.
And I don't need to hear
all the creative ideas all the time.
So I think that is
a very important step, is to cut off
personal communication.
I agree.
And I know we tried to do that before
and— but I do feel like
this time we're both in a better place
to actually follow it.
If this was our last conversation,
what would you never want me
to forget?
Oh, my.
What would I want you to never forget?
All of the kind ways
I have helped you.
I just, I want you to know
that I actually really want
the best.
And I am trying
or I've done things
because I thought it was in the
in the moment. And, um
I just, I want
you to know that
I have tried to love you
as much as I possibly
I also really do want the best for you,
like myself aside,
I hope you end up
with the most brilliant, loving partner
that's for you—
- That you're meant to be with. - I appreciate that.
Thank you so much.
I don't think I'd ever want you
to forget
how much I loved you
and believed in you,
even at times
when you didn't believe in yourself.
I think at times
you've been really hard on yourself.
And it's just some stuff
you've dealt with, you know,
from younger years.
And I just
those are the moments where I want
to just cradle even, comfort
you and say, it's going to be okay.
You're a lot
better than what you feel like
you are right now.
So I think I really
would want you to leave
knowing that you were loved.
You are loved,
and you're incredibly special
and more talented than sometimes
you allow yourself to accept.
So, yeah.
Thanks for doing this with me.
You're welcome.
If you enjoyed that conversation of {THE AND}
and you're wondering how it works,
it comes down to the space
and the questions that are offered.
And we've taken that learning
and distilled it down into a book.
It's called 12 Questions for Love.
A Guide to Intimate Conversations
and Deeper Relationships.
You can order your book now,
available anywhere
you get your books. Available in e-book,
audiobook and hardcover.
And most importantly, thank
you for watching.

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