[VIDEO] If You're Wondering About: Healing From Grief
Overview
Throughout the years, The Skin Deep has provided a safe, non-judgmental space for real conversations thanks to the Emmy Award winning {THE AND} project. With over 1000 filmed videos, our library holds a great diversity of interactions from all over the world.
“If you’re wondering about…” is a video series that collects moments about specific topics that were talked about within our deep catalogue of conversations. The vision of {THE AND} is to build a catalogue of humans expressing their experiences and what it means to be in relationship with one another in the 21st Century. We believe there is something to learn from everyone, and that one’s life experience shared can be medicine for another, and vice versa. Thus we are proud to share with you moments pulled from our {THE AND} library that reflect exploration around a particular subject or situation.
In This Episode
People share their experiences around healing from losing a loved one, what that has taught them, and what advice they could give on how challenging grief is.
As we explore new perspectives we invite you to step into the emotional space of connection and experience the deeper lessons that shared experiences can afford humanity. To everyone who has participated openly and vulnerably in our project - we appreciate what you have shared with us and hope others do as well.
Transcript
0:07
What we talk about the
0:08
most when it comes to healing and-
0:13
is grief, you know,
0:15
and it doesn't have...
0:16
doesn't have a time limit.
0:18
Healing and scars is a process.
0:22
And I think we determine ourselves
0:26
what that process is and just having
0:30
some self-love time
0:32
doing your healing process
0:34
no matter what it is,
0:35
because grief is not just the death
0:37
of a person.
0:39
It's the death of a job,
0:40
the losing of a house, you know, finances
0:44
and whatever that healing is.
0:48
It's finding time and space
0:51
to walk in it and to embrace it,
0:54
no matter who you are.
0:56
But for you.
1:03
Well, okay.
1:04
What is one experience
1:05
you wish we never shared?
1:07
That's easy. - That's so easy.
1:10
I mean, we
1:14
both lost
1:18
our brother
1:19
and I wish we never shared that.
1:22
Yeah.
1:23
How you experienced
1:25
that day is different
1:27
from how I experienced that day.
1:29
Right.
1:31
But at the end of that day,
1:34
it sucks.
1:36
I wish it never happened. - Okay.
1:37
I agree. I um...
1:39
I made the right choice.
1:42
If you had to
1:45
distinguish between
1:47
what was the right thing to do
1:49
and that was
1:51
he had been suffering
1:53
physically and mentally for so long.
1:57
And you were the only one
1:58
as far as I knew at that time,
2:00
who'd never threatened to take your life
2:05
and never tried at least.
2:07
Right?
2:08
So in my head I was like,
2:10
not that I was like,
2:11
Oh, he's a lost cause.
2:15
But how many times
2:19
does he need saving?
2:22
And I'm not saying that he wasn't worthy,
2:28
but it was something where he
2:30
we knew
2:30
he was going to go eventually anyway.
2:32
We just didn't know when.
2:34
Or by what means. - Or by how and where.
2:38
I can
2:39
feel the doorknob on my foot.
2:42
Just by the way,
2:44
that's something that will always stick.
2:46
Yep.
2:49
Puddle of piss.
2:55
How do you think my father's
2:56
passing affected me
2:58
different than my brothers?
3:07
Hmm.
3:11
Uh, I would say.
3:26
I don't know. I don't.
3:28
I don't know why
3:28
I'm having a hard time answering that.
3:30
Because there's something sort of
3:32
maybe more superficial
3:33
than I can think that doesn't feel... - Say it then.
3:39
Well,
3:39
I feel one of the things
3:40
that you always got from him
3:42
was, you know, that
3:46
that sort of super athleticism.
3:48
And he was always on it with you.
3:51
He always wanted to be part of it
3:52
with you. And I
3:56
and also academically,
3:58
I mean, I just
4:03
I just think he could have helped
4:04
you more when you got older
4:07
and that you might you
4:09
might have taken a different path
4:13
or maybe just stayed in school or gone
4:17
going to university
4:21
in London.
4:23
And I don't mean
4:25
I'm not saying it
4:26
because I wanted you
4:27
to go to Cambridge or something.
4:28
It was just that
4:31
I just think you would have been on
4:34
like a stronger, narrower path somehow,
4:38
and that it all started to kind of, like,
4:41
seep out in these different directions.
4:44
I don't.
4:45
I don't know.
4:51
When do you feel closest to me?
4:54
Mm.
4:59
Um, I think
5:06
when we talk about Daddy,
5:11
I think that, like,
5:11
I feel closest to you,
5:13
we can talk about, like,
5:14
a shared experience,
5:15
especially around grief,
5:16
because I think it's something that
5:20
we experience
5:21
that no one else understands.
5:24
You know? But... - Tthat's great. We cry.
5:27
growing up with someone who was, like,
5:29
so profound in so many ways,
5:31
it's like a civil rights attorney
5:34
and just had made such an incredible name
5:36
for himself in the work
5:37
that he was doing.
5:38
But like,
5:39
I don't think anyone ever knew, like,
5:42
how sick he was
5:44
and how much we saw every day.
5:47
I just think about literally,
5:48
like going on vacations
5:50
when he had a feeding tube
5:51
and just like
5:53
so I think any time I think about
5:56
the normalcy that we normalized
5:58
around his illness and
6:01
no one like knew
6:02
what that day to day look like of
6:06
some days were just like
6:07
we would hear him puking
6:08
and like all of these things.
6:10
And that was normal in our house.
6:11
Like it was normal to have an ambulance
6:15
at the house at
6:16
least once a month
6:17
like the neighbors do, you know.
6:19
And so I think that's
6:20
when I feel the closest is
6:23
this shared experience of
6:24
like what it meant to be
6:26
his wife and his daughter
6:27
and to know that like
6:30
so many people,
6:31
I think it looked a lot more pretty
6:32
than it actually was.
6:33
And it was really hard.
6:34
So,
6:36
yes, that's when I feel closest to you.
6:42
You worry about me and I worry about you.
6:43
And I have
6:44
I have anxiety from,
6:46
you know, the phone
6:47
call,
6:48
when I have a phone call, and my dad
6:51
came to my room
6:52
at my grandmother's house in Charlotte,
6:54
and she he told me that _________ was gone.
6:58
And it was just so unbelievable.
7:01
And then
7:03
so
7:06
and then
7:06
when we found out aunt _________ passed.
7:11
She was first. - Yeah.
7:12
Yeah, but yeah.
7:13
Just, just
7:15
just communicating those moments that are
7:18
heartbreaking.
7:21
And so whenever
7:23
I get a random phone call about you
7:27
or I don't know what it's about or,
7:28
you know,
7:28
somebody that I might not be used to calling me
7:31
Calls. - Yeah, calls
7:32
in the middle of the day or,
7:33
you know,
7:34
I'm always asking people,
7:35
text me before you call me,
7:36
especially family,
7:37
because my mind just goes
7:39
to the absolute worst place. - Of loss.
7:41
Of loss is so like,
7:43
yeah, just making sure, you know,
7:45
I could just do the body scan
7:48
and just make sure
7:48
that everything is good.
7:51
Um, but of course...
7:53
The pain of losing my little brother.
7:57
Because I know you.
7:59
Because
8:01
just the whole situation.
8:04
Yeah.
8:04
The pain of
8:07
his dad
8:09
taking custody of him
8:11
and how they had to make you
8:14
see him in court
8:16
in order to justify that. - Yeah.
8:19
Um... -, I still haven't gotten over that,
8:22
That...
8:22
Yeah. - You know, because death happens,
8:25
you know, death is
8:28
death is a part of life.
8:31
But
8:32
taking a child
8:36
away from a mother
8:38
who has sacrificed...
8:40
- Right - endlessly
8:42
to make her out to be an unfit mother.
8:44
Yeah, I'm still not over that.
8:50
It just doesn't sit right with me.
8:53
Yeah.
8:57
What is the pain in me
8:58
you'll like to see., um...
9:00
You'll like, you'll like.
9:02
You'll like to heal? Ouch.
9:04
What's the pain in me you'll like to heal?
9:07
I would like the pain...
9:10
of your son
9:12
to heal.
9:13
But I know it's a process.
9:15
I know
9:16
healing is a process,
9:17
and it- everybody heals differently,
9:19
you know?
9:21
And I don't expect you to heal
9:22
now, you know.
9:23
But as I said,
9:23
my friend,
9:25
if you need my shoulder to lean on, to cry on,
9:27
I'm always here for you, Tasha. But
9:30
it is hard.
9:31
It is hard.
9:32
It is hard, you know?
9:33
And yeah,
9:34
you just have to take it day by day.
9:35
Yeah.
9:36
You know,
9:36
We would like to see you get strong.
9:38
You know, you take it
9:38
and you are doing a good job,. - Yeah, you're right.
9:40
Yes. You doing a good job.
9:41
You know, because as you say,
9:42
you are strong. You got back up.
9:45
You is a fighter, you is- you strong.
9:47
You- you did it,
9:48
you know, and you still doing it.
9:49
And like I tell people:
9:51
You have to allow me time to heal.
9:52
You know? Don't- you know-
9:55
They see the make up
9:56
and they might see me smile
9:57
and they feel that I'm okay.
9:59
But internally, I'm still healing.
10:02
Of course. - You know,
10:03
because
10:04
the worst possible thing happened to me,
10:06
which, you know. - Yeah.
10:07
And it's going to take a minute for me,
10:11
you know?
10:11
It's going to take a minute
10:12
for me to heal.
10:13
And that's why it's called grief.
10:15
And you know, I take steps in healing
10:17
because you know what?
10:18
Like, I tell people
10:19
all the time, it's my journey.
10:21
Yeah. - This is my journey.
10:23
No, it's no one's journey.
10:25
This is my journey.
10:26
And I'm walking my journey
10:28
and I'm going to
10:29
I know that I'm going to be healed
10:30
because I have enough faith
10:32
Yeah, and you have friends. - I've got friends.
10:34
and all that will get over,
10:35
you know,
10:35
so everybody who believes in me
10:37
just have to
10:38
just let me be and let me heal.
10:41
Of course. Most definitely. - Yeah.
10:46
What do you think grief has taught us?
10:54
One: I guess is the old saying that, um.
11:03
It gets better with time, but it doesn't.
11:06
You just more learn
11:08
how to deal with it
11:09
on a day to day basis.
11:12
And the fact that
11:13
we've lost so many people
11:16
that tomorrow's not promised to anyone,
11:20
so care for the people
11:23
now while you're here
11:24
each day.
11:26
The things like don't go to bed angry.
11:29
If there are situations,
11:30
you just try to resolve them immediately,
11:33
not let them linger,
11:36
you know?
11:36
Also, you've got to live.
11:38
Yeah.
11:38
You've got to live. Like you said
11:42
Tomorrow's not promised.
11:43
We've been burying a lot of people.
11:46
I know, and __________
11:48
when she passed, we had to push for it
11:51
because we still had children to raise.
11:53
Yeah. - So...
11:56
it's no stopping.
11:58
Yes.
12:01
What do you think
12:04
grief has taught us?
12:08
Wow.
12:09
I think that we
12:12
live life like tomorrow
12:13
could be the last day.
12:14
So, you know,
12:16
but after tomorrow, like could you...
12:19
And I-
12:21
You only live once. - Correct.
12:23
Yeah.
12:24
You've gone
12:25
on great vacation for your birthday.
12:29
You know,
12:29
you've done everything that you want.
12:31
You meet your goals.
12:34
You set out to plan something, as do I.
12:37
And we achieve whatever we want to do.
12:40
Because, you know, now what?
12:42
You know, why save for tomorrow?
12:44
Because you don't know
12:45
if tomorrow is going to even be there.
12:46
Yeah. What can happen the next day?
12:48
We don't know. - Right.
12:50
And we've learned
12:50
to cut out people in our lives
12:52
that don't really matter.
12:53
Oh, yeah.
12:53
Because we don't want to waste time
12:55
with people that don't deserve our time.
12:58
Yeah, that's true.
12:59
So I think we're equally on the same
13:02
page with that as well. - Oh yeah.
13:04
And what I notice like
13:06
I don't really get upset or angry
13:08
about little things in life anymore.
13:10
It's like,
13:11
Right. - Okay, I didn't catch the bus.
13:14
Oh, well.
13:14
You know? - Exactly.
13:17
Like somebody else we know. They get upset about everything.
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